thirtynine’s blog

1. Remember how complicated it would be otherwise.
2. Look at my Reality Cheque. Before and After.
3.

Whether or not we are our hearts' desire
We are what our hearts desire now

Whether or not there is tomorrow
There is today, there is here, there is now

Whether or not you'll want me
Whether or not I'll want you
Whether or not there is destiny
Whether or not we learn to love
Whether or not we are meant to be something

All of these things aside
We are now
What we want now

And should this not be enough?

Apparently my purpose for the balance of 2008 is to figure out how I truly have fun. How I find real joy.  Release tension. Play.

First, I need to think about "beginner fun", celebrating myself and my job in being alive. This has not been an issue lately.  I am full to bursting with this kind of joy.

Second, I need to think about "Intermediate fun", inspiring this joy in others.  Again, I have been rendering pleasure contagiously for some around more.  But honestly, there are so many sad people in the world, I have a lot more fun to share and give!  So I will work on this.

Third, I need to think about "advanced fun".  Creative expressions, works of art.  Spiritual, transcendental.  Finding my highest purpose. This is the hard part.

So being my analytical self, I thought I'd start with the definition.

fun  (fn)

I am celebrating - marking the occasion - of two-thirds of a year becoming undone from the institution of togetherness.

It seems appropriate this takes place in yet another thunderstorm. On a day when all I would do is sweep away the cobwebs, the constraints I've self-imposed over the years.

i will write what we need later

One of my yoga teachers starts each class with a beautiful expression of her intent for us in that class on that day.  There's no one phrase she uses, she just makes it clear what she hopes for us.  And at the end of the class, she expresses her thanks and her hopes for the realization of that intent.

This short, small practice is something I have simply enjoyed, without noticing it - I've taken it for granted, as "her way". The other yoga teachers in my life don't do the same thing.

But it occurs to me this morning how powerful a message she has been sending.  Living, acting, feeling with intent, actively focusing on your goal, instead of passively moving with the flow. Finding and expressing what you want out of yourself, and then acting to that end, shaping your breath around your intent... using each muscle of your being to reach towards a specific achievement, even a miniscule moment like one perfect pose that helps build towards something bigger. And then - forgiving yourself for what you can't do - but celebrating what you did do.

So my new practice will move beyond my morning lists of things to do!  I will focus my energy on what it is I can accomplish each day, then move through that day focusing on this - and then, most importantly, not forget to recognize and remember what I have done before I sleep.

our dance is dressed in smiles

in lives half-lived we learned our lessons well -
we know a little about pain, already
we know all about how to be safe

and in this new thing
this unexisting universe we have accidentally created
this boundaryless, borderless whorl that exists nowhere except inside our selves -

in this new place, we secretly imagine joy
quietly, privately, individually
we pretend these things exist

and in this inside confidential space
we discover life's little mystery again, as if for the first time -

we find again that joy is always only our own
our own heart's light rekindled
our own appetite for what we inadequately label as love

and i will be a prism
i will show you your own joy
i will remind you what you forgot.

a lot of air and time and space between us
and still we find each other -
living double time in double days
two hellos and two goodbyes
for each sun's rise and fall and

too intense for close
too distracting from our normal course
too much intimate for more
than moments at a time.

stolen moments
without the gentleness of
normal
introductions

without the games that we all play

with all these limitations - time, space, distance -
we are reduced to the essence of what we would say.
we are fast into close.

i learn his heart in
thirty-second soundbytes

half phrases
misspelled
incomplete.

rashly, we each
secretly promise ourselves
some kind of tomorrow

if you ask me, i will come or go
but i will not make us, take us there.

you are more wise and can see, i think, where i am.  in this strange place.

i would not ruin your living, for my amusement or distraction
or my own destructive need to be
simply desired.

if love exists at all, in that old-fashioned way -
and then on top of that - if we find it in each other - and
it must be true, and only so -
not comfort or desire or familiarity
and if and if and only if
these heart-felt things are true
then yes - i will come to you

i decide now i will not replay your former pain, dither undecided while your heart churns.
i decide now, to save you later pain, that i will come to you
just in case, I decide.