thirtynine’s blog

He occupies me completely
Filling all five senses
Without trying, his presence makes me believe there are so many more to be explored.

We learn slowly that the grand passion that so startles us
is just the very tip of the iceberg when two people connect

Discovering daily the little joys that make a life
Learning why biology is grand
Learning why everything we thought we knew before -
about love, about life -
is dust, dancing in this new rainbow
Barely relevant in the sunny glow of new horizons.

he definitely believes he loves me
he says it all the time
and the way he looks at me,
astonished in the morning to find me there

or when I feel his kisses and I open my eyes to a new day and
 the first thing I see is his hungry eyes watching me wake

oh he believes he loves me

some boys
you see them on the street
and you know that they know
and they know they know and they think you know it too
that if they let you in
you'd break their heart
and then where would they be?

but they're oh so tempted
they think it will be worth the ride
they want to sidle up but then they know, they know better,
they know better than you
in advance

they know better than you how much it will hurt
for you
for them

and they look and they decide
in advance
without saying
that they cannot bear your pain
they cannot bear the pain when you wil leave

and so they decide
before it begins
they will stay away.

when sheets rumple around to cocoon us we are the world and time stops and your breath becomes my breath and my breath is only yours, echoed softly on my skin

my skin, my skin is yours, craving you, alive only where yours lies pressed against it with your heat, your fire, the energy of the world pouring out from yes every pore to fill me up

i am drunk and drunk and drunk with him, together we are the black hole i needed, i am so thoroughly sucked into this vortex, this place where there should be panic but instead there is only joy joy joy at losing control, giving up command, giving myself over not to him but to us, to this, to this magic that takes us where it will, we can only be strong enough to follow, we cannot direct, we can only glide along to see where worlds collapse

and worlds collide, all my worlds cease to matter, the universes in my brain collapse together and become irrelevant outside my body who are we, together?

in quick sure strokes
he paints his picture

in scarce simple words
he sketches the whole of me

who is this man?

His strength captures you first
A proud, silky lion stalking through long grass
You know before it starts that
He will not go hungry tonight.

The lion turns and suddenly you're in his gaze
Pools of brown with depth and light
And every feeling ever felt
Looks back at you, your soul is mirrored in those eyes.

Your pulse quickens, your breath stops - caught in your throat -
You are suddenly afraid
Paralyzed
Are you the hunter's prey?

Feet freeze.
Eyes freeze, hypnotized by lion's gaze.
Warmth starts to tingle through your body, carried by rushing blood released... a moment's trust.

His head tilts, yours follows in slow motion
And suddenly you see a question in this gaze
A need unsaid
A silent plea
And suddenly you love this lion more.

He is intense, deep with it, unafraid to dive deeper.

He makes me feel beautiful.  He says it, I believe it.  This is not usual for me.

When he looks at me, I can't quite see what he sees, but I know I like it.

I liked the surface of him.  But I never knew what lay below - I probably would never have guessed - and now I see the surface is but a tiny beautiful fragment of a huge human being. 

I begin to be calm with him.

I begin to relax with him.

The physical dimension, our connection is absolute. I crave his touch and his smell.

I see us walking together in the world.  I imagine going to a party with him.  I imagine going for dinner one night. I imagine making a mess of camping. I can see us getting lost.  Walking through heather.  Climbing through ruins. Learning new things. Indulging our curiousity. Together.

I think fights will be furious.

each new day
my heart swells
full of blood? full of love? full of you?

each time we talk
my heart swells
full to the brim until more does not seem possible.

each time we touch
my heart responds the way my body responds
so full of you, growing with you -
i want to explode.

each time is the best time ever
each moment teaches me, shows me
each second we connect i feel more

is this infinity, discovered?

The world is changing around me
From black and white to
a riot of colour, texture, sense and sensation
Technicolour
Vivid

I feel my breath as if for the first time, as if this was something new to discover
All these years, I didn't breathe
I breathed but I couldn't feel it in my body
Now oxygen floods my veins
Creating life and life and life

Wherever we are is the most beautiful place I have ever seen
Seriously.

An alley startles me, snow-covered streets with people passing by, going through their day, filling me with love, walking quickly to their next purpose, making their lives in the best way they know how.

The next night, an icon of indulgence, a mini-city populated with people whose only happy task is to facilitate our joy.

Looking up the mountain, a wide icy street with the bustle of downtown and a stark tree branch reminding me of life's complexity, that everything exists together, we share our world with others.  Emerging from our private space into this realization, I am surprised - reminded that this universe was not built for us alone.

I have never needed someone less. And more.

I am in awe of him.

I thought myself to be so open, so fertile, so creative.  (To be honest, I prided myself on it.)
And I realized today I am nothing compared to what his mind can do, has done.

In one night's sleep he removed all the boundaries of his own imaginings.
The man whose mind was trained to see facts, to find problems, to calculate the odds -
This man in one quick private thought this morning
shed every supposed fact, every certainty
tore it into pieces
and created the possibility of a whole new world.

He tore away time and the human notion of progress measured on calendars and deadlines, and the comforting pressures that this false human notion adores. Time does not exist.

He threw away the driftwood keeping him afloat in a sea of change -  and decided not to make himself a magnificent sailing ship.  Or an airplane.  Or a hot air balloon. But instead, to swim in a new ocean. Or find a new galaxy in which to shine.

In the midst of nothing but chaos, he found a way to cut through the clutter, down to the core
to understand what is real, what counts, what matters.  To see light. 

In thinking not about himself but about the greater good of all
He rewrote the rules - no he UN-wrote the rules -
Creating a wonderful blank canvas on which we can paint
the true story of our hearts.

He is Michelangelo, simply trimming away unnecessary pieces of stone to let the statue come to light.
Like Matisse, he knows that flowers are there for any who wish to see them.
He is Galileo, da Vinci, Newton, Einstein
The brave genius with the honest heart, with truth shining from every pore, a soul full of nothing but beauty.
The man I adore.